Scary Wand Geeks and Warrior Biotches
Wow, okay, so not to piss off the readers or friends who are closet SCA monkeys.... but damn, there are some SUPERFREAKS at Rennaisance Festivals! Now I'm not talking about you folks that like to put on capes and swords and pretend like you're a wayward knight off on a grand adventure in the privacy of your own home or with friends. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm talking about the Warrior Biotches that shouldn't wear the Xena outfits that cover pretty much just their ass-crack from the back and three strategically placed strips of cloth in the front. The thing that Grace Jones and Brigitte Neilsen had going in the Schwarzzy films was muscle tone. The chicks at the Scarborough Faire RenFest? Pasty and little to no discernible muscle (and pooch bellies). Before the flames roll in, I am fat!!! I know!!! I don't wear things that show that off, I understand my body type and dimensions! I'm just saying I'd rather not see that while trying to enjoy my big ol' turkey leg. Back in the middle ages regular women wore frumpy crap to not attract attention and the barmaids wore the slightly revealing clothing. And that's even if the woman HAD a sword, never mind the fact that their outfit wouldn't slow down a sword, let alone a horny guy looking for some action. (Is that the point? Because that means their outfit is as much an anachronism as my clothes are, and their whole point is to parade around half-naked. And that really isn't the whole reason for a RenFest.)
Another thing is the leering cloak monkeys that made their own ringmail and are carrying around a wand or a staff or strapped on a big ol' claymore that's bigger than they are. You know, the ones that just stand around staring at the ladies who have their boobs all jammed up next to their throats in those corsets? Those guys kind of bug me, because they're the kind of geeks that go Tom Hanks some weekend while playing D&D with their buddies. You can always tell them from either the hardcore freaks or the workers because of the massive amounts of acne and the tennis shoes. I mean, c'mon, you can buy a sword and make your own chainmail, but you can't pop for some leather boots? If you're going to commit, commit.
All in all, it was a great trip, and the freaks are neat to look at. You just wish you could really tell the workers from the freaks, so you could do more mocking, and if the freak that was approaching you talking in a fake olde English accent was working there or not.